The Art of Gentle Correction
by Melanie Bettinelli on June 07, 2011
This morning in his homily Father told a story of visiting a friend, a mother of four. She told him about a little guest she’d had earlier that day, a boy who kept saying, “Oh my God!” Finally she pulled him aside asked him if he knew that when he said that God was listening for what he had to say. She asked what it was that he had to say to God. He said, “Nothing,” and she then suggested that perhaps then he shouldn’t say, “Oh my God,” unless he had something to tell God. She explained that God’s name is very powerful and shouldn’t be said lightly. She suggested that maybe he should think of some things to tell God.
I was so impressed. I’d probably have just asked him to stop saying it without taking the time and trouble to teach him something about the sacredness of God’s name and the nature of prayer. What an inspiration.
Then Father added that this mother of four has terminal cancer, is on radiation treatment, is exhausted and in pain. Oh how convicting that was!
* * *
So last week I didn’t get to daily Mass because Thursday was a Holy Day of Obligation so I had to shift my grocery shopping around to accommodate it. But this week I resumed my planned schedule of getting to daily Mass once a week. This morning my sister watched Ben and Bella while I took Anthony and Sophie with me.
It’s funny to think how restful it is to only have two children when a few years ago it would have been fairly high stress. But Sophie was very sweet and cuddled up next to me. (Anthony was snuggled in the sling.) At the consecration she knelt down with just a little prompt and she folded her hands so sweetly.
We sat in the very first pew and at communion Father was very kind and hurried up before I could gather myself and Sophie to jump into line. He gave me communion as I knelt in the pew. What a wonderful treat! (Except of course that I had been halfway up when he came over and so I was only half kneeling with the toe of one shoe caught under the kneeler’s foot. Oh well.
After Mass I took Sophie on a little tour. We stopped and looked at the statue of the Sacred Heart that is in the sanctuary for the month of June. I pointed out to her that a statue isn’t really Jesus, just an image of him that helps us to think of him. Then I pointed to the tabernacle and said that Jesus really is there in the Eucharist. Her eyes gleamed as she took that in. Oh what wonder!
Then we went around and looked at all the Stations of the Cross and at the baptismal font. Then she was ready to go. We stopped and said hello to Mary in the grotto and she joined me in saying a Hail Mary. But she did not want to sing a song. Oh no. That caused tears and consternation.
We went to the grocery store for milk and toothpaste and then she almost fell asleep in the car on the way home. An exciting outing for my little three year-old. Oh she has been having sh a hard time of it. Two has nothing on three for the storms and tempests that rage. Right now she often gets so worked up that she doesn’t know what she wants. Just screams No! No! No! She doesn’t want me to touch her or talk to her or look at her or try to help but she also doesn’t want me to walk away and leave her. I’m stumped. I’ve tried so many tactics: screaming at her, walking away, putting her in her room to give her time to cool down, distracting her. So far distraction seems to be the best bet but it is so hard. I can never predict what will work and the same thing almost never works twice. One day it was a suggestion she walk around by herself outside to cool of. Another day it was imitating her and pretending to slam myself against the door like she was doing. (That made her stop and then eventually laugh.) Another day it was chatting with Bella and drawing her into the conversation. Another time it was a You Tube video. But when I try a previously successful tactic it tends to just enrage her more.
I would love to find a gentle way that worked consistently to soothe her out of her rages. I’m at a loss. Mother Mary, pray for us.
Comments
I found Aletha Solter’s books, especially “Tears and Tantrums” to be helpful when my children were this age. In particular the idea if you allow children to cry at home with loving attention, they won’t be prone to tantrums and acting out in public i.e. the grocery store, church, etc. Distracting her from crying may only be a stop gap until the next opportunity appears. She may need to _really_ cry and rage until she gets it all out.
The description of Sophie being angry at you but still wanting your presence reminded me so much of the storms of adolescence with my older daughter…
Posted by Cathy on 06/8/11 at 01:32 AM
I don’t have any advice. I don’t have any wisdom in that regard. I am having my own difficulties with Cecilia. She desperately needs an attitude adjustment and I need more sleep.
I just wanted to say that I sympathize with your struggle and I have faith in you as her mother, knowing you love her so much, that she is in the very best of hands and, no matter what works or what doesn’t, when she gets through this phase she will be happy to have your arms to run to. Prayers for both of you.
Posted by Katherine on 06/8/11 at 08:12 AM
You do books… try “The Tantrum” by Kathryn Lasky. There are many copies in Minuteman, or you can buy it for little money on Amazon. Worked for me! I would also try asking Sophie to think about tantrums and what she can do to calm herself. I am not much for child-driven discipline, and asking may get you nowhere at three. (It worked more with my boys later on.) My mother-in-law always swore by the ignore-it solution, but I had trouble with that in small apartments; I tended to isolate and ignore - but it was hard to be consistent when a child was yelling at the top of her lungs. In the meantime, as you know from Bella, remember that three too will pass.
Posted by scotch meg on 06/8/11 at 04:35 PM
Is it terrible that I felt a little less alone reading about your struggles with Sophie? I wouldn’t even say it if not for the reason being, although I only have your blog to go on, that I doubt it’s something you did or didn’t do. It can be hard otherwise to see how my sweet, easy baby girl (not yet 3 but almost) became so, uh, feisty, so fast…
Posted by ex-new yorker on 06/8/11 at 06:21 PM
Cathy, I’ve been pretty lucky in that she usually doesn’t unleash her tantrums in public. I can only think of one time and that was when my mom was here and we went out for lunch. We needed to leave before Sophie was done eating and my mom took Anthony out to the car while I picked up trash and packed up the rest of the kids. Sophie freaked out over them not being with us and screamed and refused to move. It was very embarrassing. Mostly though she calms down out of the house. Sunday she was raging and raging into the car and halfway to church. But she was good as gold during Mass.
Katherine, It’s not that five is so wonderful and Bella is a saint. It’s just that in comparison to Sophie she’s usually more open to reason.
scotch meg,
Once—once!—I had a productive chat with her about self-calming and she decided to go outside to calm down. Oh it was marvelous! I thought it was a major breakthrough But the same tactic hasn’t worked again since. For a long time she was having some success with self calming with her blanket and a cup of water but of late those things haven’t been enough. Isolate and ignore tends to result in things being thrown and doors being kicked loudly and my temper often gets worse not better.
ex-new yorker, Yes! Three is hard. And yes, it starts a little before the birthday. And I totally understand. Knowing that you’re not alone sometimes makes all the difference in the world.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 06/8/11 at 06:42 PM
In the misery-loves-company vein, the worst tantrum I had to deal with was from my oldest when she was five or six. Not that you want to hear that tantrums can continue for that long - and, alas, my more stubborn kids threw tantrums up to about age ten, which should tell you how stubborn they are. Anyway, that child was put in her room behind a baby-gate and told not to come out. I forget now whether there was a time limit or a calm-down limit, and I also forget what the infraction was. What I have not forgotten is sitting in the living room with my second child and listening to her scream “I hate you” for at least twenty minutes. Not my favorite memory of a bright, delightful daughter.
The storms DO subside. Eventually.
Posted by scotch meg on 06/8/11 at 11:26 PM
What a great story about dealing graciously with young ones. I am resolving to work that into my repertoire immediately—and am already thinking on what variants of her beautiful tactic I’ll use with “oh my gosh”!
Posted by Anne @ Modern Mrs Darcy on 06/9/11 at 11:33 AM
Small success today. Sophie had a major meltdown when I announced that it was time to go to the grocery store. I managed to keep my temper and eventually defused it. I was very afraid I’d have to just go and leave her behind with my sister. I realized that she was upset because she both wanted to go and yet wasn’t ready to stop her game of dress up princess. I was able to acknowledge that I understood her frustration and emphasize that I would help her get dressed. Understanding why she’s upset makes it much easier to defuse. It’s so hard when I just have no clue what’s set her off.
Of course by the time we got through all that it was so late and our grocery trip ran over into lunch time. Ben went down for nap with just string cheese and a chocolate chip cookie from the bakery counter in his belly. Oh well.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 06/9/11 at 02:16 PM
Anne @ Modern Mrs Darcy,
I’ve been trying to think of how to counter “oh my gosh”.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 06/9/11 at 02:17 PM
OH, wow. Yes. Three was not such a stormy time with my oldest, but oh WOW is it terrible with Aliza, my younger daughter. I really wish I had some words to offer you. I find myself praying daily (and often), Lord, please help me!
Outdoor time seems to help calm and recenter her. When she is in meltdown mode, all I know to do is hold and console. And quietly pray. Seriously. I got nothing other than that.
Three is like a hurricane. Pretty much all you can do is board up the windows and ride it out.
Posted by Megan@SortaCrunchy on 06/10/11 at 07:31 AM
Megan, Thanks for the reminder. I just kicked them all outside. There was wailing and gnashing of teeth at first but now they’re setting up a tea party for the dolls.
I’m realizing that part of the problem for us is that the dew tends to stay on the grass all morning so they don’t like being out in it. I so wish we had a patio or deck where they could play when it is damp.
Unfortunately during the actual meltdown Sophie usually doesn’t want to be touched. She seems to need to get the screaming out of her system. She does like to be cuddled after the worst of the storm has passed. Of course it’s all made so much more complicated by a nursing baby. HAving to put him down to deal with disciplinary things and having him wailing for milk makes it much harder to deal with things calmly and to take the time they really need. I feel pressure to resolve it quickly so I can get back to cuddling and nursing the baby.
Definitely doing lots of praying of the “Oh God, help!” sort.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 06/10/11 at 10:12 AM
Much luck to you with your daughter’s tantrums! My son is coming up on two, and it can be so trying sometimes. I try to look at it from his perspective. It can’t be easy being so little and not being able to convey things they way you want to. Or saying exactly what you mean to say, and still having Mommy and Daddy not get it. Or just getting told, “No,” and not understanding why it’s better for you not to dance on top of the dining table…
I’ll be praying for your priest’s friend, the mother of four and her children. That’s a lovely way to approach telling a child not to take the Lord’s name in vain. Shoot, it’s a great way to approach anyone about it!
Posted by Christina on 06/11/11 at 01:21 AM