Motherhood, Isolation, and the Meaning of Christian Brotherhood
by Melanie Bettinelli on December 05, 2012
Often it happens that when I’m pondering a problem or working out an idea several different pieces of writing will arrive on my doorstep from diverse sources that all seem to speak to different aspects of the topic. Then I feel a need to try to bring them together in dialogue with each other so that I may then respond to them in some sort of coherent manner. But I’m never quite sure where to begin and how to organize my thoughts. Fortunately this is a blog and there is no need for a formal essay structure. Instead of going for polish, I’m going to just dive in and see what comes out. (As usual the excerpts I pull are the bits that seem most relevant to me and my argument; but you really should click through to read each piece in its entirety because I don’t think they really do the authors justice. Reading bits without context can always distort the author’s original intent.)
I’ve been thinking about what a parish community is and what it should be and in particular what the role of my local parish should be in meeting my sense of isolation and my feeling of not having an adequate community to support me in my current vocation as a mother to many young children.
A Ministry to Young Mothers?
Elizabeth Scalia’s response to Calah’s lament about the difficult of obedience in regard to NFP is one piece of the puzzle I’m putting together as she echoes my feeling that there isn’t enough community support for young mothers with larger families and that the Church is in a sense failing to help us live out our particular calling. Scalia proposes that there is a need for a specific ministry to young mothers: Open Hand, Open Heart: Ministry to Young Mothers:
There is freedom in obedience but it can sometimes seem very hard to find when life is a blur of small, unruly people who are in constant states of screaming need and one’s post-partum chemistry is all afoul; a sincere attempt at religious obedience can feel like oncoming death or madness, especially if one is not getting some sound spiritual direction, and a little help. People who have no idea what it’s like to not even be alone while in the bathroom — to have no spare minute in which to collect oneself or re-tether oneself to heaven — cannot possibly imagine the strain.
Reading Calah’s piece, I couldn’t help but wonder why parishes do not have a “young mother’s ministry”. We have Consolation/Funeral Ministry, Divorced Men’s Ministry, Teen-group Ministry, Bereavement Ministry; why not a Ministry of Succor meant to help young mothers who have passed that “new baby” moment when everyone wants to help and are now in the thick of the everyday demands of motherhood — just her and the brood and hours of unrelieved, lonely coping.
I’m envisioning a ministry whereby older moms — perhaps women confronting an empty nest, or those facing retirement with some time on their hands — can simply visit with a young mom for an hour or so, a couple times a week — at home or in a park — and be present to her in a reassuring, and most importantly, confidential way.
I am not talking about babysitting, about some woman coming in while the young mother flees for the hour — and I’m not talking about someone who helps with the housework — I’m thinking about something more in line with a woman able to come in and take one kid into her lap, and maybe rock it to sleep, while the young mother deals with another kid but also has a chance to talk, spill, vent, cry; a woman who might be a prayer companion in those moments; a woman who can identify — who understands that the young mother is neither nuts nor incompetent, just overwhelmed; a woman who can reassure her that things get better — that the job of motherhood never becomes “easy” but it gets more manageable.
I can’t tell you what comfort and balm it was to read Elizabeth’s words, to see someone who is not currently in my shoes acknowledge the need and ache of my heart and the hearts of so many of the moms of young children I have come to know here at my blog and other blogs and Facebook and all the online places that make up a virtual world. While we can to some extent comfort each other here in this virtual space, at the same time, we do need to have someone acknowledge that it isn’t enough. We need real, face-to-face community. We long to find it in our parishes and find that parish life is somehow inadequate and leaves us yearning for a missing community, for deeper communion.
What Does Help for Moms Look Like?
My initial response to Scalia’s proposal is a resounding “Yes!” but I find that Elizabeth Duffy has some reservations. She argues that perhaps there doesn’t need to be a ministry or formal program to meet every need, Instead, there needs to be a community, friendships.
There have been many comments on both posts expressing a need for some kind of mother’s ministry, and yet little consensus on the particulars of what such a ministry might do. Some have suggested a mother’s group that meets at church to commiserate. Some have suggested a committee that brings meals to families with new babies. Others have suggested recruiting the grannies in the Parish to make home visits and offer respite care or companionship to young mothers. All are worthy suggestions, and I’ve seen all of them done, in different communities at different times, with varying degrees of success.
But when it comes to naming a one-size-fits-all nationwide ministry within the Catholic Church to meet the needs of all mothers of young children, I think we’re grasping at straws. Here’s why:
Mothers come in all shapes and sizes, and at different times in their lives, they need different things.[. . .]
It’s probably reasonable to look to the Church for help for young mothers, and yet in hindsight, the best help the Church could have provided me, and did provide me, was Sacramental support and a teaching authority that, while challenging on the whole, has led to a richer life than I would have designed for myself. I’m glad I followed it, even at the times I was most tempted to stray.
Now that I’ve had a chance to catch my breath as a mother and volunteer at my Parish as a catechist, I can see just how much our Parish does with very limited resources. The ministries that are already in place are performed by the same handful of volunteers who make everything in our Parish happen. The Parish council is composed of the same people who do Faith formation. Saint Ann’s altar society also does funeral meals. Knights of columbus IS the Buildings and Grounds committee. Who can do more for the Parish than they’re already doing? We’re all doing the best we can.[. . .]
I think we fall into the same trap when we make demands of the Church, holding that wherever I have a vested interest, the Church must meet my needs. I’m being chaste, therefore the Church must be my matchmaker. I’m not using birth control, so the Church must be my nanny. I’m fighting a culture war, so the Church must provide me with beautiful liturgy, better music, and fine art.
The Church is Christ’s body on earth, and as such, it doesn’t really owe any of us anything.On the contrary, we owe Christ and his body on earth good marriages strengthened over time by our individual and gradual perfection in virtue; we owe him fidelity even at the times when being faithful causes us suffering; we owe him the best music, art and liturgy we can provide because it’s balm for a suffering body, not necessarily because bad art is an affront to me, personally.
And we all owe the Church our open eyes, and whatever able bodies our family can provide to meet the needs of our Parish community.
[emphasis Duffy’s]
I agree with Duffy to an extent. Perhaps she is right that there can no single ministry that will serve the needs of mothers. And yet, I think her response, thoughtful and loving as it is, doesn’t adequately address the root questions that Calah’s post evokes and to which Scalia is responding: Why it is that the young mothers feel the Church community is failing to support them? If everyone in the parish is really doing all they can, why do young moms feel so isolated and cut off? Is this really the best the Church can do? I’m sorry but Duffy’s post, much as it seemed to speak to others, left a bad taste in my mouth. It’s true but it isn’t enough to say that a ministry to young moms won’t be a universal bandaid or that we all need to do a bit more to keep our eyes open to opportunities to reach out to others. I want to dig deeper. But before I do so, there was one more piece that fell into my lap.
A Softness that Ends in Bitterness?
I don’t know of Heather King even read Scalia’s or Duffy’s posts; but her post, A Softness that Ends in Bitterness seemed to dovetail so perfectly with the conversation that it seemed like a voice joining in. King writes:
This is the kind of thing that if you’re looking for a Church that’s a social club, a fellowship, or an “experience” can seem very thin. But membership in the Mystical Body of Christ does not depend on our feelings; it depends on our orientation of heart; on where we bring and put our bodies. To be a Catholic is to enter into a relationship with Christ that is at once intimate beyond imagining and entirely anonymous, hidden, and private. Flannery O’Connor once observed: “I went to St. Mary’s as it was right around the corner and I could get there practically every morning. I went there three years and never knew a soul in that congregation or any of the priests, but it was not necessary. As soon as I went in the door I was at home.”
“To expect too much,” she wrote elsewhere, “is to have a sentimental view of life and this is a softness that ends in bitterness.” For my own part, if I trudged alone to Confession and a distracted, lackluster priest (not that my priest was) looked up from his smart phone, barely listened, and gave me two Our Fathers every time I went for the rest of my days, that would be fine. That would be brilliant. That would be the gift of my life.
[. . .]
We do not come to Mass to have a social, an aesthetic, or even a spiritual experience (though sometimes we do, and that’s beautiful); we come to beg for mercy. We come to stand in back of the church, beat our breasts, and realize it is a complete and utter miracle that we are allowed even to be in the same room with the Alpha and the Omega, the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings; the Great Physician, the Great Priest, the Savior of the World, our One, our Only, Friend. That is why it doesn’t matter whether we have any friends at church, whether we know the priest’s name, whether he even speaks our language.
On the one hand, King is right that our participation in the Mass is not primarily “a social, aesthetic or even a spiritual experience”. She is right that our attention during the liturgy should be directed upward toward God and not toward socializing with our fellow men. However, I think the picture she paints here is inadequate representation of the reality that we gather to worship not as a group of individuals but as a community, in fact, the Body of Christ. Even when I am traveling in a foreign country and go to Mass where I don’t know anyone and don’t speak the language, that Mass will still be an opportunity for me to stand before God to plead for mercy not as an individual in singular intimate relationship with Christ but as a member of a community of brothers in relationship with each other in Christ. Moreover, the image Flannery offers up (though taken out of context and thus perhaps not adequately representing Flannery’s intent) of the lone wolf parishioner attending Mass for years on years without knowing anyone at all at their local parish strikes me as an entirely inadequate image of the ideal parish life. True, some individuals are more hermit-like than others, but the reality is that Christian life is a life of brotherhood in Christ and the kind of radical individualism in which every individual at Mass is an anonymous participant, unknown to any other, means to me a failure of community.
The Meaning of Christian Brotherhood
I’ve been reading a slim little book, The Meaning of Christian Brotherhood
The recognition that ekklesia (Church) and adelphotes (brotherhood) re the same thing, that the Church that fulfills herself in the celebration of the Eucharist is essentially a community of brothers, compels us to celebrate the Eucharist as a rite of brotherhood in a responsory dialogue—and not to have a lonely hierarchy facing a group of laymen each one of whom is shut off in his own missal or devotional book. The Eucharist must again become visibly the sacrament of brotherhood in order to be able to achieve its full, community-creating power. This does not imply a social dogmatism: the vocation of the individual Christian can often be fulfilled quietly in a life of retirement. But even a vocation like this is a form of brotherly service and, therefore, far from invalidating the brotherly nature of the community rite of the Church, further confirms it.
It seems to me that King is most definitely one of those” individual Christians” whose vocation is “fulfilled quietly in the life of retirement.” As was Flannery. And I respect her point of view on not needing a lot of socialization to feel connected to the parish community. The brief recognition of a friend at confession, while it may appear thin to others, lifts up her heart and confirms her experience of brotherhood. However, I don’t think that it is an adequate representation of what the life of a parish community should strive for.
Ratzinger continues the previous passage with some thoughts on what a parish’s life should be outside of the liturgy:
Consideration of the Eucharist takes us a step farther, too. Its celebration originally comprised, of course, both the liturgical meal and an ordinary, “physical” meal shared by Christians meeting together in one large unit. The liturgy and ordinary living had not yet become separated. This situation cannot be reconstructed under present circumstances, but Schurmann rightly points out that the need still remains for parishes to develop appropriate forms of community life outside the liturgy in order to supplement the liturgical gathering and make possible direct brotherly contact. The forms will vary according to circumstances, but we may make one general point: inasmuch as brotherhood in the parish is, as it were, divided up among different societies or organizations, it is necessary to keep bringing people together in larger groups in order to emphasize their relationship to the greater unity of the parish. The individual organization is justified only insofar as it serves the brotherhood of the whole community. This aim of making the parish community a true brotherhood ought to be taken very seriously. Today a trade union or a party can exist as a live and fraternal community, and so the actual experience of brotherhood for all the Christian members of a parish community can and, therefore, should become a primary goal. It would be a universal experience which transcended all barriers, of course, for in every parish there are men of different professions and often of different languages and nationalities. It is this universality which gives the parish a superior position to an organization based on any other community of interests. And the parishes ought to come to see one another as sisters, according to the words of John’s second Epistle (5:13)—sisters who, in the fellowship of their faith and love, build up together the great unity of the Mother Church, the body of the Lord
[emphasis mine]
Here Ratzinger says that attendance at the liturgy by itself is not sufficient for supporting Christian brotherhood. Contra King, he suggests that there needs to be a regular coming together of large groups of the parish community outside of the liturgy in order to create an actual experience of brotherhood. Ok, I’m probably misreading King, but the implication of her post does seem to be that it’s perfectly fine for everyone at a parish to exist in anonymity, to not know another soul. And Ratzinger says, not so.
When I read this passage from Ratzinger it was an “aha!” moment that seemed very much to answer Duffy’s piece. While it’s true as Duffy says that the most important thing our parishes give us is the sacramental life, Ratzinger says that the parish also has a serious mission to provide more than just the liturgical meal. It needs to create those bonds of brotherhood. And at least in my neck of the woods the parish is seriously failing in that mission. It’s one thing for an individual to decide to be hermit-like, eschew larger gatherings and only seek out the sacramental life of the parish; but when everyone is doing it, when all a parish is is a collection of individuals showing up for Mass and a few small groups and organizations meeting separately, and when opportunities for everyone to come together to socialize either don’t exist or are few and far between, then there begins to be a lack in that direct brotherly contact and a deficit in the experience of brotherhood for all the members.
This is one reason why young mothers feel so alone. This is why our parish is failing us. I argue that it has failed to “develop appropriate forms of community life outside the liturgy in order to supplement the liturgical gathering and make possible direct brotherly contact.”’
Additionally, while Ratzinger says that smaller organizations and societies are insufficient, he also seems to assumes a plethora of them at work in the parish. I’d say that the experience of the parish community in the 60s was a different world than mine in the 21st century. Although from conversations with people who live in other parts of the country, I know my experience may not be representative of praish life in other places—Jen at Conversion Diary, for example, has written and chatted with me about her very active parish with many organizations and ministries—still, all I can write about is my own experience. In my parish and many other parishes in the Boston area even those smaller groups and organizations that Ratzinger mentions are sparse on the ground. And the ones that do exist… well, much of the time they don’t even advertise themselves in the parish bulletin. How is anyone—much less someone new to the parish—supposed to know about meetings and be able to join? I suppose it’s word of mouth?
What Should a Parish Do to Promote Brotherhood?
I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party; but I am trying to look at my own experiences and extrapolate a bit. I’ve been a newcomer in two different parishes since I moved to Massachusetts and both times I’ve found that it has taken years and years of going to Mass and trying to find organizations to join before I finally started to feel like a member of the community, before I felt that brotherhood. King says it’s not all about feelings and quoting Flannery seems to suggest that to expect the parish to fill this need, this longing for community is to expect too much and therefore is mere sentimentality that will end in bitterness. Well, I can attest to some of the bitterness; but Ratzinger’s piece seems to argue against the idea that my yearning for the experience of brotherhood is too much or that it is mere sentiment; but instead a need that the parish should make a primary goal to fulfill.
When we first moved to our current town I’d grab a copy of the bulletin every week and scour it for something that I could do, a group I could join… something to help me feel connected, to get to know people and begin to be a part of the community. Granted, my ability to join in was very limited by having an infant and a toddler and, within weeks of moving, a new pregnancy. But there has been only one activity offered at all in the last four years that was scheduled for weekday mornings and was geared toward stay-at-home moms. Sure, some of the fault can be placed at my own door. I’m very shy, an introvert. I have a hard time meeting new people and feel very anxious in new social situations. But I think that’s precisely why some parishes have newcomers ministries, to help individuals overcome those barriers to finding their footing in a new parish.
For all that ministries can’t meet every need for every individual, I do think there needs to be some formal attempts on the part of the parish community to meet some of those needs. In today’s busy, disconnected world it isn’t enough to expect individual friendships to cover all the needs of individuals.
Now to be fair, things in my parish have improved a bit in the past few months. A while back they started experimenting with reviving the practice of having coffee and donuts after Mass. At first it was an occasional thing. Then once a month or so. Finally, we’ve got to every other week. Even that little gesture has meant a great deal for my sense of belonging to a community of brothers. Lingering after Mass to have a snack and chat a it with other people in the parish has opened the door to longer conversations with the people who used to just stop and say hi and compliment our kids and to meeting new people. One family has taken to bringing a simple activity for all the kids: a pile of coloring pages and a big bin of cross stickers and a box of crayons and markers. Now a handful of children gather to color and the mothers stand around and talk to each other.
This past Sunday an older mother said she was so glad to get to meet me. She’s seen me at Mass with my kids and wanted to do so. She made a point of asking me to come to the cookie swap for moms they are having next Sunday and said her daughter would be there to help watch any kids who showed up so the moms could really have the freedom to socialize. She said she thought it was so important for moms to be able to get together to support one another. Later in the conversation we were chatting about taking the kids to the beach and I said that I seldom do because I can’t keep track of them all enough to make sure everyone is safe. She said her daughter loves kids and is a great mother’s helper and could perhaps accompany us to the beach or on other outings. (I started to wonder if she’d read Elizabeth Scalia’s article.)
No conclusion here, just more questions. Do you think your parish does enough to create an experience of brotherhood? Do parishes need to work harder than they used to considering how fragmented modern life is, how mobile people are, how many people move far from family and friends and traditional community, how many people live far from where they work, how working mothers mean that neighborhoods tend to be empty during the day leaving stay at home moms isolated and working moms too busy to connect? how do we achieve a sense of close-knit community? Should the burden of this task be on the pastor, the parish council, the individual members? Is the answer more about individuals adjusting their priorities as Duffy suggests and can the parish help them to make that transition?
Comments
Oh, I could write volumes about this. The parish is the home of the Christian community. We gather for mass, and, in many parishes, that’s all. I don’t think that’s the greatest way to foster the brotherhood. Pastors, I’ve noticed, tend to think that the average parishioner is uninterested, or there is some sort of old guard “this is how we’ve always done it” mentality that precludes new groups from forming. Also the people who tend to run things tend to be of a certain age and I genuinely don’t think they understand that it’s harder to be a young mother these days. We generally don’t have family or old friends in the same state, let alone the same town. Online community is great, for what it is, but we’re human and need human contact.
I just had a baby three weeks ago. a dear friend (one of two I’ve made in nearly three years in a new city) began pulling all the stops out to support me. She threw a shower, organized meals and then another lady, realizing there were a number of November babies arriving, organized a mom’s night out making freezer meals for us and the other families. This was beautiful and frankly surprising. It shouldn’t be surprising! we’re called to minister to one another, both as individuals and as a parish. Lots of people don’t know where to start, and a parish program like Elizabeth Ministry (which I think best answers Scalia’s question)is a great way to get people on board. Otherwise, listserves of like minded Catholic ladies can help band people who want to help young moms together.
The trouble is that if you’re not in the trenches of young motherhood you don’t notice. Older ladies raised their children in a very different culture. Perhaps a parish could give a series of family life talks, or SOMETHING, to let the old guard know that young families need help. We’re so often left alone.
I’d say more, but the baby is crying and the four year old is threatening to brain herself on a toddler chair. Whee!
Posted by Lydia on 12/5/12 at 06:29 PM
Hi Melanie - I haven’t had time to read all the pieces you mentioned, except Betty Duffy’s and part of Calah’s, but it does seem like they have struck a cord. Right now I have reached a stage like Betty where I can leave some of my kids at home, and this stage is much less overwhelming than when I had 6 and the oldest was 9. So I think part of her point is that the stage of feeling isolated and overwhelmed is something that ends eventually. On the other hand, having had the opportunity to witness what works at several different parishes because of moving around, I agree with you that the Body of Christ needs to look out for its parts. I know my own faith has grown more because of people who have shared their faith through friendship than through my efforts at study. But to get to your questions, here are some things that have worked at other parishes where we have lived: 1. Our MS parish was GREAT at fellowship - donuts and coffee after Mass, 2 parish festivals, lots of ministries, lots of celebrations. On Friday nights some great friends, a husband and wife with 5 kids who both worked as nurses, hosted PLAY, which was a couple hours for parents to drop off their kids and the kids played faith-themed games and were fed for free. If parents wanted to stay and socialize, they could do that too. They also had a morning play group. And people were very good at going out of their way to welcome newcomers. I used to go on stroller walks with some other moms after daily mass - very informal, just an instance of someone being friendly inviting me. In Virginia, we had a friend who organized Armata Bianca, which was a holy hour for kids, mostly homeschoolers with babies and toddlers in tow. She got the kids involved in leading the rosary, brought coloring pages and read from a saint book. It was a noisy holy hour, but the reward for the kids was another hour of play on the playground afterwards. In Chicago, a friend had a weekly rosary group at her house - the first decade with kids and then they could go play in her basement or outside. Again, this was mostly homeschooling moms and some of the older kids would help watch (or not) the youngers. Then for a time I went to Regnum Christi events, which although I share some reservations about the group, they did a good job of offering opportunities for fellowship and encouraging people to reach out to each other, of which the most valuable to me were the Gospel reflection groups. Of course, all of these were things that required me to schlep babies and stuff, but since I craved some connection, especially with a husband who was on the go a lot, I was willing to do it. And surprisingly, it is easier with more kids than less, sometimes.
But the thing that helped most, I think, is that some people at these churches went out of their way to be friendly and say nice things about our kids that would counter the discouraging things I’d hear in the grocery line. So in answer to your last question, I’d probably say that achieving a sense of community rests in some part on everyone you mention: the priest should openly give encouragement to large families and encourage the congregation to support each other (a talent our MS priest had), the parish council should try to create opportunities for connection (copy the Protestants on donuts and coffee), and we all as individuals could try to offer a hand or even just a smile to each other.
Posted by Emily J on 12/5/12 at 06:58 PM
I agree with you on all points, Melanie. Since moving out of New York, which was an entirely different story, and to the small city where I now live, I’ve found Mass to be a lonely experience and my parish a lonely place, which I wouldn’t have expected in such a small place. Before I could drive, which didn’t happen until this year, I was very, very isolated with my young autistic son. Other mothers in the parish community knew this, but did not make gestures of friendship, including the most orthodox moms-of-many. And I have a hard time asking for help. They say you know who your friends are in a situation like this, but that only counts if you HAVE friends locally.
Posted by Pentimento on 12/5/12 at 08:03 PM
I had read the first two original posts though King’s is new to me. I don’t know, and as I’m barely keeping my head above water this week, I’m not about to begin researching it, but I can’t help but wonder if O’Conner’s point was more of a contrast with Protestant churches, at which fellowship was (is?) THE prized purpose in going. Maybe I’m completely wrong, but maybe it is possible?
Personally I’m not as fond of groups I have to go to regularly as they almost always require bringing the kids and become more trouble than I want. One thing I wish my parish did provide more of was networking. By the time I get out of Mass, I don’t want to have to introduce everyone… by then my kids are antsy and hungry and I just want them all buckled in car seats. I know our parish has other homeschoolers, but I’ve no idea who they are. It would be much easier to meet other moms in situations similar to mine if my parish provided some sort of email network. I’m not a programmer or computer person, but I wonder how hard it would be for a parish to have multiple groups, like a moms group, a homeschooling group, a singles group, etc. apart from meetings. I mean, meetings are helpful, but not always practical and never meet everyone’s schedules. If such a network were feasible within a parish, it would allow anyone to join whichever group(s) they thought they might find the most support in and then, within that group, maybe connect with those most like themselves, able to support each other, and in the way that best fits them. I mean, there could be optional group get-togethers, but also the opportunity just to connect with those similar within your own parish.
Does anything like this already exist? I hope I’m making sense… it has been a long week and it isn’t over yet. I’ll have to think about it more.
Posted by Katherine on 12/5/12 at 08:11 PM
Melanie, why don’t you try starting a mother’s Rosary circle? Or, perhaps a mom’s group to study the CCC or Compendium? Neither idea would take a lot of effort on your part, but each would be very fruitful in this Year of Faith.
Posted by Dee on 12/5/12 at 08:27 PM
One side thought… I wonder how many other groups feel similarly. I mean, I wonder how many single adults feel like the Church wants them to be chaste and faithful but doesn’t provide social opportunities or support within their parish, that is, among other faithful Catholics. Would such a network through a parish work well for more groups than just moms of many little ones? Wouldn’t it also make it easier for such groups to coordinate better among themselves rather than a parish trying to fund dinners or dances or receptions, etc. ? Just thinking out loud (which in my present state, I grant is dangerous, but if I don’t write it somewhere, it will be gone in no time)
Posted by Katherine on 12/5/12 at 08:53 PM
How about obtaining use of your parish hall/basement/multi-purpose room or whatever its called to have a twice a month get together where moms bring their kids, who run around and play with the toys the contents of a huge toy box (you moms contribute the contents)that the church will allow you to keep stored there in between meetings. Let the first two of these be organizational sessions where you all figure out exactly what you moms would like to do: just sit and talk, pray, attempt a bible study, and/or take turns leading a little preschool religion activity for the kids while the other moms chill. If you can get some older women to either mentor or just help with keeping an eye on the little ones, all the better. This approach fits with Duffy’s position that what moms need is to form friendships to support each other,(after all you guys ARE “the church” in a certain sense) yet also has the parish providing the minimum support of giving you some physical space, and as such being the supportive home for your group.
Posted by Daria M Sockey on 12/5/12 at 09:22 PM
Yeah, see here’s the thing. I’ve been pregnant for the last 8 months. Exhausted and queasy and barely able to keep afloat taking care of my four kids. Barely able to get through the day. Often when Dom comes home int he evenings I’ve barely started making dinner. Sometimes I’m just a puddle of tears. We get the kids fed and in bed and then often I collapse. Some days I can barely drag myself out of bed.
In less than a month I’m going to have a newborn joining the crew. Oh and I’ll be recovering from major surgery. I know some women just bounce back from a c-section but me I usually am on the slow boat recovery plan. It takes my body a very long time to get back to something approaching normal speed.
Maybe you supermoms out there can handle adding something like organizing a mom’s group on top of that. Organizing a mom’s group, I might add, in a parish where I don’t really know many other moms because hey, we’ve only lived here for four years and in New England time that means we’re brand spanking new and in that time I’ve been pregnant three times and dealing with a newborn most of the time in addition to wrangling toddlers.
Maybe it sounds like the kind of thing you could add to your own overloaded schedule. Maybe you’re a natural organizer, a people person, an extrovert who thrives on the company of others. Not me. I’m an introvert with social anxieties. I find being around other people draining so while I crave community I also find it all too easy to hide in my hole. Making friends is really hard for me. I can’t just drum up a social network overnight.
This is exactly the point Elizabeth Scalia was making: young moms with many small kids need to be ministered to because we can’t just organize ourselves. We’re overwhelmed and lonely and isolated and don’t have the time, energy or resources to even begin to think about organizing other people than the little ones who live under our own roof.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 12/5/12 at 10:53 PM
Melanie, this is a great post. I’ve been thinking over a lot of the same things as well. I’m sorry to hear how worn out you’ve been and I will be praying for you, especially as you recover from your c-section.
Posted by Dorian Speed on 12/6/12 at 12:03 AM
Hi Melanie,
Your most recent comment makes me wonder if now might be a good time to set up a meeting with your Parish Priest, or administrator, in order to lay out for them, just as you have here, what your family is about to experience. Ask if they have Communion Ministers who can visit you, and if there are any other resources in the Parish to help out families like yours.
You’re right. You don’t have time right now to start something, and unfortunately there’s nothing already in place. There’s not time to make close friends before your delivery, so maybe it’s just time to be a supplicant to your Parish. Or have Dom do it for you. Make a list in advance of practical things people could do to help out. Off the top of my head, meals, communion, intermittent childcare would be on the list.
This, of course, would mean strangers coming to you when you’re down and your house is a mess, which may be awkward. But heck, let me know the name of your Parish, and I’ll set it up for you.
Posted by Elizabeth Duffy on 12/6/12 at 08:47 AM
What Elizabeth said.
Posted by Pentimento on 12/6/12 at 08:53 AM
To answer Katherine’s question, there is an out-of-the-box parish social network called WeConnect from LPI http://www.4lpi.com/websites-a-networks/wegather-parish-communication
Flocknote.com is also another way parishes can organize communications within the parish.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 12/6/12 at 09:32 AM
This is something I’ve been thinking about intently as well. I haven’t exactly lacked the energy to write about it… I just couldn’t face the combox. I’ve been subsisting on a sort of manic cheerfulness in public and writing would have cracked the entire thing.
The parish communal life is pretty damaged, but I think there’s more to it than just young moms isolated and exhausted, or single men and women exhausted with the secular dating game. I remember being newly married, and feeling distinctly unwelcome in our parish because all the young adults activites were essentially matchmaking events. I tried attending a few, I was lonely, we lived in a new city, and my husband worked late nights… but far from being welcome, I was discouraged from coming. As far as the group was concerned, I already had what they wanted, and there was no point in my attendance. But the social opportunities for young married couples were all centered around young children. And since I hate social situations anyway, the result was I hunkered down in our apartment and played World of Warcraft a lot.
There are several threads to the problems of our parish life, and I’m just going to start listing them, using our parish as a reference.
1. People are still people, and that means we can still be jerks, intentionally and unintentionally. And Catholics do lack the welcome most Evangelical communities make look so easy. It’s not surprising, since fellowship is such a significant, even primary, focus for evangelicals, and Catholics have other primary concerns. But it still shows. I spent my first year at Texas A&M attending Mass and RCIA at St. Mary’s, and spending the rest of my social time with my Baptist roommate and her friends, because they didn’t mortify me the way trying to introduce myself in the parish student center did.
2. Our parishes are so big. It’s hard to get to know people in the parish. There are some smaller social opportunities… but they all require us to find babysitting, which is a problem for several reasons.
2.1 Big or not, it’s usually the same relatively tiny group of people involved in everything.
2.2 We don’t live near our parish at all. It’s a 15 minute drive without traffic to get there, and we have to get on the highway. In fact, we don’t live near any Catholics at all, practicing or non. And it’s hard to create parish community without that geographic closeness. You only have to compare my husband’s childhood parish with our parish to see the difference. They may be poorer than our parish… but everyone knows everyone.
3. Most of the adult events are all catechetical. There is admittedly a huge need for adult catechesis… but I would rather gnaw my leg off at the knee than go to one. I prefer reading and quiet and reflection. Discussion would be lovely… but I can’t do it with strangers.
4. The only parish wide social activities are donuts (2nd Sunday every month), the parish festival, and the Friday fish fries. The donut Sunday has a donation box, but the Friday fish fries cost (to my possibly faulty recollection) $7 a head. We would love to go more… it’s a great way to meet people. But we can’t afford it.
...I have to go, David is begging to do the Jesse tree ornament of the day. Maybe more later.
Posted by GeekLady on 12/6/12 at 11:19 AM
I found this post really interesting. I love Elizabeth Duffy’s writing, but, like you, her post on this topic rubbed me the wrong way.
Maybe because, as a historian, I know that the parish situation everyone is describing is NOT typical. In the middle ages (my period) there were so many different types of religious guilds, whose activities centered around parish life. They would organize processionals, sewing of altar cloths, would pray on certain feast days of saints there group was dedicated to and for the parish patron, and, importantly, they would minister to those in need—raise money for a funeral and attend, help widows, families who needed food. Life was centered around the parish, but these groups were extra-liturgical and often organized by lay people.
I’m not trying to give a rosy glow of the middle ages, and I’m definitley not saying we should try to recreate that, because that leads to inauthenticity. What I’m trying to explain is that this kind of life was routinely lived and was expected by parishioners, and if you belonged to such a group, you were held by your membership to participate. What I like about these groups, is that they could be organized around a devotion, say to St. Michael, or an activity, like taking care of the altar clothes, but your responsibility to the group did not end with that. If a member or member’s family experienced difficulty, you would help them out, even if it fell outside the scope of the group.
To me, trying to think of this in the modern setting, would be interesting because it would bring people together with a common interest—say you love working with flowers, and you sought to bring that into the church for the liturgy—but those with your same interest would then take an interest in your life, and you in theirs. To me, this would foster the kind of Christian Brotherhood that Pope Benedict was talking about in the quotes Melanie cited above.
Posted by Mary on 12/6/12 at 12:34 PM
This is an interesting piece. I haven’t read all the responses but I wonder if part of the reason the support doesn’t exist is that it’s such a short amount of time and it’s the type of support (other than prayerful support) that many moms get from paying a pre-teen a nominal amount to be a mother’s helper. My oldest is 16 now and my youngest is five. It was only 3 years ago that I still had 3 kids under 5 year old, but that experience was so different from when my oldest kids were small.
I’m not a sociable person, but my children have forced me to get out and know people. Going to baseball games and dance practice, karate and soccer - oftentimes with toddlers in tow - forces conversations. Having big kids old enough to watch little ones frees you up to chaperone that play practice or be a den mother. And poof! Just like that I had a network of other moms - I didn’t consciously form one.
Posted by Eileen on 12/6/12 at 01:42 PM
Have you asked at the parish office if there is assistance for new moms? While there may not be a formal ministry, they may have volunteers that work quietly behind the scenes. But you have to let them know there is a need.
I agree with Eileen, if there is a dance school or gymnastics school that your girls may enjoy, it is a great way to meet some other moms. They may not all be Catholic, but that doesn’t mean they cannot meet your need for community.
Posted by Susan on 12/6/12 at 02:07 PM
Melanie, I wasn’t familiar with either option. Thx! I am not sure either would work for what I had in mind but maybe my idea wouldn’t cut it anyway. I guess I was thinking of something we have here in Maryland, but not on a parish level. We have a YAHOO group called Maryland Roman Catholic Homschoolers. I know a lot of the members are within the counties near me, so I think it is more of a regional group. The group is run by a veteran homeschooling mom (who else would have the time and energy to do it?) but many moms contribute based on their interests. They have a preschool playdate once a month and the moms take turns hosting. There is a book club, more for those with middle-school aged kids. And when one mom wants to do a field trip, she sends out an email and see who else wants and can go. Everything is optional and I hear about everything via email. Some provide meals when a baby is born or share prayer requests. It is basically a regional network of Catholic Homeschooling moms. The only real downside for me is that, since it is regional, a lot isn’t very close to me but more like a 30 minute drive. I just wondered if such a thing could work on the parish level where everyone would be closer to each other.
Posted by Katherine on 12/6/12 at 03:09 PM
nothing to add….wonderful post…..I am shy and introverted as well…pastors need to open to ‘allowing’ lay people to start things- like Bible studies, coffee and donuts….
Posted by priest's wife on 12/6/12 at 03:34 PM
Your post and your readers comments were, as they usually are for me, thought provoking. I’ve been mulling them over all morning, and a couple of ideas seemed worth floating to the group.
Two separate but interwoven topics seemed to emmerge: a need for community and a need for help. As Mary pointed out, it seems like the two feed one another. This resonates with my experience in our parish. I’m the choir director, and we are drawn together to use our gifts to serve the parish in the liturgy. But the community thus formed stretches at need to give an expectant mom a baby shower, to pray for and help a critically ill member of the community, etc.
Right now, it sounds like Melanie longs for community but also really needs help, too. I think that Elizabeth has it right: now is the time for Melanie to get help. And maybe the community will flow from having others give to her now. I’m guessing that the parish administrator (as in secretary) could be a great starting place. She would know what ministry could be of help. Obviously the priest should also be aware of the needs of young mothers. Melanie, I wish you were in Tacoma, WA, because I personally know about 15 grandmas who would love to come bring you a casserolle, or hold the baby while you shower, or just sympatize with you about the trials of raising a bunch of kids (I know this because they have done these things for me)!
Along the lines of developing a ministry at parishes, I think a great place to get to know other young moms (other than at coffee hour) might be from the welcome committee. Our parish’s welcome committee give a gift to each infant that is baptized. So they clearly are notified about when a child is born in the community. I think perhaps I should volunteer to contact these new moms to chat about how things are going and see if we need to build a group at our church.
Posted by Erica on 12/6/12 at 03:50 PM
Oy! I had a long comment here and my computer has eaten it TWICE now.
Short form (I’ll hopefully come back later to add more): In the short term the postpartum period is actually not a time when I’m without support. My mom, who had four c-sections herself and is the most amazing mom who puts up with my terrible postpartum grouchiness and selfishness and obsessions about things being done MY WAY will be here for us for a month to help with the kids, to cook, and do laundry and drive me crazy. My dad will probably come after that. My sister may visit too.
No kidding, real text exchange between my mom and me:
Mom: So is Dec 27 to Jan 30 ok or will you want to kill me?
Me: I’ll most likely want to kill you but it sounds great.
SO thank you very much for your concern about me but I actually don’t very much want strangers coming over with germs and needing to be social and all. I just want to come home to my mom whose at least used to my bad moods and for whom I don’t have to put on a pleasant face. (Though I really will try harder this time, Mom, to be nice and patient and grateful!)
I have many more thoughts on other things people have touched on but I’ve got to wake Anthony and Ben up and make dinner.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 12/6/12 at 04:13 PM
Oh and Katherine, that wan’t me with the suggestion but Dom, the actual tech guy who knows about those things.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 12/6/12 at 04:14 PM
I’ve read a couple of the articles you’ve linked to, but haven’t waded into the discussion yet, partly because it makes me want to cry sometimes.
We’ve been at our parish a little over two years now, and I definitely feel like we’re, in your words, “brand spanking new,” especially since our oldest was born a month after we started, and we’ve had a second baby since. I think we missed the getting involved window, as first-time parents with a newborn.
And honestly, our parish is probably pretty good on the scale of attempting to build community scale. It’s just that I’m a convert, and a military brat, so yeah, growing up, everyone was on the lookout for the new families. I remember when we had just moved to Northern VA. We were church shopping and someone came up to my parents and tried to sign them up for the pictorial directory. They explained that they were just visiting, new, etc. “Well, we don’t have to include your picture if you don’t join here, but in case you do, get your picture taken anyway.” I don’t know whether I would find such behavior overwhelming or overbearing if I encountered it now, but it has sort of set the standard in my mind.
On the one hand, some of my personal issues are interfering. Because we are transplants in a land of non-transplants, I feel (and it’s true) that while I’m looking for friends, no one else really is—they have high school friends and family and nearby college friends. And I’m reluctant to be friends with someone, to rely on someone in that way, when I know that they don’t rely on me in the same way.
On the other hand, I definitely feel like there’s some spiritual warfare going on. I attempted to go to the parish playgroup every month this summer. Once it was rescheduled at the last minute (something that makes life very difficult as a one car family who planned car exchanges carefully). Once it was inputted in the calendar the wrong day. And once everyone (except me) was late. My two year old played and played. I almost left, but then a couple other families showed up. And then the torrential downpour began and they all left again.
And so to answer your questions, I think my church actually does a decent job providing opportunities for brotherhood and all that. Even so, I think getting involved initially is intimidating and difficult. And I think that it’s up to individual parishoners to make those invitations. And to keep making them.
Posted by Kathy on 12/6/12 at 04:19 PM
I think, though there is a point to be made about the need for some kind of support for young moms, I’m partly venting about the lack of sense of community I’ve been seething about for the last ten years since moving to New England from Texas. Some of it is doubtless the experience of being a fish out of water. Culturally I’m not from here and I find in general New Englanders feel cold to me. Also, there are a lot of problems in the local church and our individual parish is in especially bad shape, currently on its fourth pastor in the last ten years and with very little sense of continuity of leadership.
In our old parish before we started having babies Dom and I were very active. We actually met because he was leading a young adult Bible study. I taught CCD fr a couple of years before marriage and until pregnancy with Bella made it impossible for me to function. He served a term as DRE. By the time we left we had actually got to the point that I did feel a part of a community. When we went back to our former parish this summer for our pastor’s 75th birthday, we were greeted with hugs and people commenting on how big the girls were and offers to hold sleeping Anthony and people wanting to meet the boys. It did feel like going home. The eight years I spent attending there had bloomed eventually into something beautiful. Too bad I couldn’t reap the rewards.
Anyway, the point it that while I’m introverted, I do know that I can make myself make the effort when I’m not dealing with nursing babies, pregnancy, and corralling toddlers. I do know that while it’s not the super warm experience I’d prefer, there can be a sense of belonging.
Anyway, Dom’s job moved and we had to start all over again and I had a two year old and an infant and within weeks of moving to a new town I was pregnant again, boxes not even unpacked and I was throwing up and exhausted and in no position to meet anyone or to begin to make inroads into the community. We did know the pastor, fortunately, he was a family friend and a very warm generous man who came to our house to give me anointing before the birth and all sorts of emotional support. Then he was transferred and our current pastor, also a family friend, came in and he’s awesome too but has only been here about a year and is still finding his feet. I think our particular parish is really suffering because he’s the 4th pastor in the past ten years or so. They haven’t had much stability of leadership and I think maybe that’s a part of what I’m seeing as the breakdown in community. It’s a small town and I get the impression most people grew up here. There aren’t any other homeschoolers in our town and I get the feeling most of the moms work. There was one attempt to start a women’s Bible study that I attended two meetings with and then I was at the end of my term with Ben and had to drop out. Even that was just four other women who weren’t all that interested in the actual Bible study. The leader let us drift off topic and I found myself trying to explain why the Church insists on celibacy for priests and doesn’t ordain women. Oy! I got so discouraged because I wanted to have some support, not to be the person trying to evangelize my fellow parishioners—all of whom were older than me.
I’m probably partly jaded too because Dom works for the Church and I see behind the scenes and know how messy it is, what a bureaucratic tangle. There are reasons to hope, certainly, but it can be very easy to just look at the mess and despair. Especially when I’m hormonal.
Anyway, I do see many seeds of friendships both in the parish and in the local homeschool community. Just today a homeschooling mom in a nearby town who’ve I met just twice sent me a message asking if I could use some gently worn cloth diapers. I had a lunch date with another homeschooling mom this week who only lives about 25 minutes away. There’s a cookie swap Sunday afternoon for moms in our parish to meet. Sure the homeschoolers I know don’t include many people who live super close but as the kids get older it will get easier. I do know that the community I’m looking for will blossom eventually. (Assuming we don’t move first!) It’s just not much consolation in the short term when I’m pregnant and tired.
I do think this conversation is important to have and I’m so glad so many people are chiming in. So many good things in this conversation. I must say this online community makes me feel very loved and I have a wonderful sense of brotherhood (sisterhood?) here. I only hope and pray that everyone can have the same sense of community in their local parishes as well as online.
Posted by Melanie Bettinelli on 12/6/12 at 04:38 PM
Oh Melanie, that bit about the difference between Texas and New England makes me laugh a little, since we live in Texas, and I don’t think the situation is really any better. Louder maybe. More boisterous and Texanish. But not better.
For example, after my last miscarriage we had to arrange for burial - something that had never come up in past miscarriages because we’d never managed to recover a body before. But last time I passed a perfectly intact amniotic sac with a perfect baby only a little bigger than my thumb. And we went to the parish for help, advice, anything. And the best we got was the incorrect information that funeral homes could provide less expensive ground openings for burials of the unborn, and to call them when we had chosen a location so they could go consecrate the ground. Bye.
And even that information was incorrect, and the average cost for even the simplest of burials was over a grand, and they wouldn’t come and consecrate our backyard. And finally out of sheer desperation, I googled for Catholic cemeteries, and one mentioned something about burials for the unborn, so we called. Turns out the local Catholic hospital has mass funeral Masses and burials for the unborn every so often, and that’s what the cemetery participates in. The hospital agreed to let us bring our baby there, for the the next burial, so we did, because that’s all we could afford. They were very kind, said they’d call us when the funeral mass was scheduled so we could attend, but it may be several months. And that was the last we heard.
And that was the sum of the support we got from our parish, when we went specifically to request their help from people we knew and volunteered with. So if anyone wonders why I’m so down on the community parishes provide, there you are.
Posted by GeekLady on 12/6/12 at 06:18 PM
The first part of this post reminded me of when I was in college and did Ministry to Moms—Kimberly Hahn started it; college students come help out/babysit for 3 hours a week in exchange for a home-cooked meal and a chance to do their laundry. I worked with the same family for my last two years of college and those hours with “my” family were like air when you’re drowning. I like to think the mom enjoyed my presence too; sometimes she’d drive me back to my dorm after dinner and we’d sit in the parking lot for half an hour just talking.
I don’t want to minimize your current suffering or turn this into the Pain Olympics or anything, but I do think this loneliness crosses demographics. I know of a lot of single people who feel desperately lonely and disconnected. I had an awesome community during the worst months of my brief single-adult life, so I didn’t get much of that. (Though, ask me how good the Church is at ministering to people with mental health problems and I’ll write you a novel.)
Now, though, I’m a young married woman with no children living in a strange city and even though my depression has improved the past couple of years if feels so much worse without community. (I have no idea if that makes sense, “my depression is better but feels worse,” considering that the primary symptom of depression is, you know, FEELING BAD. I’ll leave it, though, and hope my meaning gets through somehow.) The sad thing is that there IS a thriving young adult group here, but a) even though it advertises as welcoming toward married couples, the focus is still very much on discernment and chastity and other things geared toward singles. (Not that married people don’t have to be chaste, but it’s a very different talk when it’s oriented that way.) and b) the group has 200-300 people at every event. Scott and I went to a retreat back in February and by the end of the day I was sobbing and begging to go home because there were TOO. MANY. PEOPLE. (There were no icebreaker events or small group breakaway sessions or anything, either, so I was in a room with 200-300 complete strangers.) And it seems like the only answer to single/childless people who feel disconnected is “volunteer for a ministry.” Because of course the solution to me being drained dry is for me to get into something that will drain me even more. (There are very few ministries that don’t conflict with my social anxiety. It’s just how it is right now.)
In case you can’t already tell, I identify very strongly with the feeling of being so buried that you can’t DO anything to get yourself out, because doing anything takes energy you already don’t have enough of, energy that you desperately need just to get through the day.
*sigh* Anyway, I should go do dishes before I can’t find my kitchen anymore.
Posted by The Sojourner on 12/7/12 at 08:03 AM
(Disclaimer: It’s CD31 over here and my temp’s down half a degree, so I’m buying my ticket for the Crazy Hormone Train. Is there still room with all the pregnant ladies on there?)
Posted by The Sojourner on 12/7/12 at 08:30 AM
Hi Melanie. First off, I love your blog,rarely comment. This struck such a chord with me. I have lots of great thoughts but am trying to juggle laundry, morning chores and morning sickness so I’ll make this brief. I run a playgroup at one of our local parishes (not my home one)..we have at least three Catholic churches in a 10 mile radius (we’re in NY) and this is the only ‘parenting/mom’ type group out of all the three. The parish I run it at is young, thriving, growing with tons of kids and young parents. This group has been there at least ten years-we do simple things: meet once a week in the church building, with topics for the parents and toys and crafts (nothing fancy!) for the children.
I find it sometimes difficult running the group because….where are the moms? I know people drift in and out depending on the children’s ages (we cater to bith thru 4) but this year, there was not one ‘new’ mom and the average attendance at this is about three to four moms per week. I appreciate all who come and am so glad if a new mom calls or stops by. But where are the moms? Are they all working? It seems like everyone else has other things to do too…the gym or swim class that meets at the that time. Is it true that here, many moms work? Or have more money for ‘better’ things? I am at a loss. I have advertised at all three churches numerous time…I am at loss too if there is a homeschooling community nearby to cater too, as we don’t homeschool but use our parish school. I feel as if I don’t have an ‘in’ but I have been living here for almost four years and know a lot of local people.
I think the problem too is once, as a first time mom to my oldest (now in kindergarten), I attended-just for a few months, before we moved-a MOPS group at a local community church. To say it was awesome would be an understatment. There had to be at leat 50 or so moms who attended; they provided care for the children in the basement nursery by grandmas from the congregation; each month, you would have wonderful food to eat (those Protestants and their awesome food!) and mom centered prayerful activities to do. Of course, me being Catholic, I noted any indication of anti-Catholic sentiment (many of the ladies attending were former Catholics who attended the community church), and never felt 100 percent comfortable there religiously but the sense of community and just general care for the well being of moms was amazing, as was the amount of older women who helped out. Where also, is that in our church?
I am not trying to be critical, but could it come from the ‘contraceptive’ mentality that so many of the Baby Boommer generation has? (not all) So many older women I have met (50-60s) have the attitude, “I raised my children,and I am ‘done”, I just want to enjoy grandchildren,nieces, nephews, etc, not work for them, babysit, etc. I suffered enough with my own children.”
Thank goodness my own mother is not like that but it leads me to wonder if this is part of our base problem with community. I would really like to email you some more on this, when I have the time but gotta go, the kids are in the chocolate!
PS: I ‘only’ have two kids ( and one early on the way and one in heaven) but admire so much your large family, Melanie and pray for your struggles. . .We hope to have more but what’s in God’s plan, is, I guess. Everyone assumes we’re done—one boy, one girl. Sigh.
Posted by Anon on 12/7/12 at 09:39 AM
Melanie,
Again, thank you for your thoughts and this discussion. I know I won’t have time to post more than just a simple thanks and my thoughts may not actually be cohesive. ... Ok, turned into more than just a thanks but still not very cohesive ... I’ll leave it though because it’s what I have ...
I think that community is essential and that isolated moms need it. I think it does take lots of time to cultivate as your comment indicates. I also think it is hard to cultivate because of the vary nature of our lives, our vocation, the requirements of our children. Just surviving may mean putting your head down and NOT going anywhere or talking to anyone. (Its hard to go to a playgroup, or anywhere, when getting 5 people dressed feels overwhelming, let alone packing a snack or extra clothes or jackets or putting on, finding? 10 different shoes. I’m lucky if I can find clean clothes for all kids at a given time.)
And so if the brotherhood that should be in our lives as part of being the Church isn’t when life with small children overwhelms, it is SO VERY HARD to make that happen when you don’t have the energy or time or even anything more to call on than a wish. It’s kind of a question of timing. And then is it MY responsibility to reach out and find the community or should it come to me since I can’t? The same questions you are asking Melanie.
I think that the women like us (Catholic homeschooling moms of many) are really fewer and far between so that that sense of community is hard to foster (and to support from the Parish’s perspective). My support group of women is spread out over a range of 50 miles and it may take an hour to get to each others houses.
Meg
Posted by Meg on 12/7/12 at 12:12 PM
Continuing: The networking idea is what I ended up finding/making. I attended a park Rosary group for a summer but couldn’t actually have a linear conversation because my 18 month old had to be chased so he wouldn’t fall. (It’s hard to make friends if you can only talk in 2 minute snaches.) I started a book club with ~12 women with young children (who sometimes made it and sometimes didn’t) ... that book club turned into an online support email group, meals for moms, and occasional social outings. However all of us come from about an hours drive in a major urban area and almost all of us attend different parishes! All of us homeschool and all of us with more than 2 don’t work. I think MOST Catholic women I know work and don’t homeschool so the parishes don’t have enough of a base to provide support within their one parish.
It is a need though and I think that the older women are called to be mentors and some aren’t taking up the lead for some reason, as touched on by Anon above. Elizabeth Foss touched on it lately on her blog too -the mentoring bit, not the failing to mentoring bit, just to be clear.
http://www.elizabethfoss.com/reallearning/2012/10/the-one-when-titus-2-finally-catches-me-and-makes-me-look-it-in-the-eye.html
I would love to find a few good local moms to be my mentor or older teens whom I could mentor. Different stages of womanhood to help me get through to the time when my oldest is OLDER and I’m not so overwhelmed. But I don’t know where to find them. Going to church and reading the bulletin isn’t enough! And starting a small group on your own isn’t enough either. It needs cultural change, not just small community change. I think lack of support for mothers is pervasive in our culture (Texas and New England and Indiana included). Are there mentors out there who can’t find me? How else can we reach out? I do think there is a place here for the Church to help make it happen, but it needs a vehicle to help carry the message. How do I ask for what I need when I don’t know who I can even ask for help?
Thanks Melanie.
Meg
Posted by Meg on 12/7/12 at 12:13 PM
Reading all with interest. I have the added problem that, unlike Pentimento, I did not get around to learning to drive in a reasonable amount of time after leaving New York City, and have simply lacked the needed combination of time and money and organization since I became more serious about that as a goal. Also, I have multiple sclerosis that is symptomatic these days, so that’s an added complication.
But I feel like not driving makes it “all my fault” in a way it’s not others so I had better just accept that I locked people out of my life and as an introvert who can’t just make the most of every event that is accessible to me, I am going to remain lonelier. My husband is kind of a wonder of the world who takes care of lots and lots of stuff (and did before we even suspected I had MS) including working self-employed from home and so our children do manage to get to driven to various activities and classes outside the home. Is this just a stream of consciousness? Well, the other day we had a particularly painful disappointment regarding work my husband had hoped to pick up, and somehow that blow led to me venting about… feeling left out and incapable of ever getting to a place where I can make friends and speculating that people who “have it together” can’t sympathize with whiners who make excuses about why they don’t, and also there should be more support from the local Church for parents of high-functioning autistic children like me, etc., etc. So I guess this may always be bothering me “subconsciously” more than I think. I keep fantasizing about learning to drive and being able to go volunteer somehow or at least “contribute” in some way other than signing my husband up to cook and deliver a meal (no kidding) when that help is being solicited for some family, and then people realizing I could actually be a friend and not just a weirdo who has excuses why she can’t do a lot of stuff. This is still a stream of consciousness. Sorry. I’m finding more fault with myself here, even if some of it is historic fault of not realizing that I really should learn to drive BEFORE all this other stuff happened, like 4 kids and an unpredictable chronic illness. I don’t even like to think about learning to drive and still being lonely, but I guess most of you on this thread have been drivers the whole time you have been mothers, huh? Anyway, I hope the one adult driving teacher who sounded promising isn’t freaked out if she sees my hands flapping with “intention tremors” when I reach for the door handle or the stick shift or whatever that thing is called and decides she can’t be comfortable trying to teach me.
Posted by ex-new yorker on 12/7/12 at 12:45 PM
So many of these comments have deeply touched me.
The commonality of feeling isolated within community, and needing support and the presence (both tangible and intangible) of one’s faith community when one is — by nature of one’s familial needs and or health — more or less homebound. I do include under that umbrella being introverted, having many children who are all small, being disabled etc etc.
Melanie, I’m not sure I have many answers: I do so appreciate that you write posts on the subject, and I love that so many of your readers chime in with their own experiences and thoughts.
My parish (I am Episcopalian, and both my parish church and the monastary with which I am affiliated are ‘high’ church, Anglo-Catholic), anyhow, my parish does have young family things they do, but they are very much geared towards tiny children; those with ‘middle aged’ kids (6-12) are definitely not invited. There used to be a mothers and littles group that met weekly at the church (with childrcare) but the prist who ran it moved away. Meantime the youth group is teens only (with parents of teens doing things too) so those of us in the middle are sort of left to ‘get by’ with church school on Sunday mornings. I would love to have a Faith & Parenting group to participate in, but I suppose I’d have to start up such a group and there is no way I have the time/energy/physical resources to do it!
Where I see the biggest failing (again, specifically my parish) is in the lack of tangible support of the disabled, the elderly, the homebound. There is a tiny, core, very caring group of people who do their best, but they are few in number and all getting quite old themselves. Since having my brain tumor and becoming disabled I have experienced ... Oh, how do I explain. Well. It just isn’t possible to be involved in things anymore. Not beyond being in the handbell choir anyhow, and the only way we can do that is because we have a family member (*not* a church member) give us rides to rehearsals. What I learned right away is that many people are happy to help a disabled person (or family in crisis, or after the birth of a baby etc) **once** with a meal, a ride, doing an errand. Once, maybe maybe twice. Long term care and support and just general checking in doesn’t happen. I really don’t think it’s personal: I think it is the nature of the communal beast. No matter whether it’s a disabled person, an elderly isolated person, a family who for whatever reason could use some extra care and support from their parish ... Whathaveyou: long term, ongoing, compassionate care and support is hard to come by. What is required, I believe, is a truly dedicated core group of people who are commited to long term parishioner care and support: these need to be folks who are genuinely called to do this sort of work, and who are sensative, kind, thoughtful individuals who themselves have the support of the parish in order to do the work of community building and care to begin with ...
Posted by Ellie on 12/7/12 at 02:29 PM
It’s been a few days, so Betty Duffy’s piece is not fresh in my mind, but I am glad to see a conversation about the Church meeting the needs of real-life parishioners. I thought Duffy’s piece failed to imagine the possibilities in the face of great need. What came to my mind was the powerful example of Fr. McGivney, a parish priest in New Haven, who decided to create something new, unique, Catholic, and communal about the destitution facing widows and children in late 19th-century America. At the same time, the Knights of Columbus would offer viable social, economic, and political opportunities to Catholics in America. Women and families today need a different—but equally essential—sort of assistance—and I pray the Church through its parishes recognizes and responds to this need. We need a Fr. McGivney
Posted by Sheila on 12/8/12 at 10:16 AM
I’m way late to this conversation, but I wanted to point out that the advantage of having the same group doing everything in the parish is that once you have that “in”, you can have a network quickly. My husband and I laugh at the connections every time we meet someone new.
My parish is large and very active. We have a ton of ministries, and I tried a few in the first few years that we were members, but didn’t really find my place. It was a chance meeting at the swimming pool of all places, where I sucked up my courage and introduced myself to “that mom” (you know you have one in your parish, too. The one who does everything and knows everyone) and all of a sudden we were swept into parish life. These were the friends that I didn’t dare ask God for, and we have been so blessed.
Melanie: if you’ve been offered a mother’s helper, use her!
Posted by Michelle on 12/9/12 at 12:52 PM
We have an incredible community here at our parish. Coffee and donuts after every Mass, unless it’s the KofC breakfast…then it’s a big old breakfast instead! Dinner every Wednesday night followed by CCD for the kids and a speaker or a movie or a presentation for the adults. Festivals and pageants and a softball team and a new baby ministry and 40 days for Life and on and on and on. I don’t know who I can thank or point to for having all of this, but I do know that it offers fantastic opportunities to cultivate real friendship, which is the true root of community, and it is something that was SORELY lacking at our enormous parish back in southern California.
Posted by dweej {House Unseen} on 12/10/12 at 10:02 PM
Katherine and everyone else interested in e-mail communication.
It takes 5 minutes to set up a yahoo group. Running one doesn’t take much computer knowledge either. I belong to several great yahoo groups that have been invaluable during my season of toddlers. I’ve never thought about doing one for the parish. Now I’m thinking of it.
Posted by Marie on 12/16/12 at 07:12 PM